Many years ago I lived in a flat with 3 men. The great thing about this situation for a single girl i.e. me, was that they had loads of male friends who would come round on a regular basis. Out of all of them there was one in particular that I quite liked. We’ll refer to him as Simon, even though this is not his real name
On many occasions, Simon would come round to meet my flatmates before they would go out. Simon would ask if I was coming too. On most occasions I would say no as I had other things that I wanted to do. However, every time I said no, Simon would keep asking me to come out with them. Irrespective of how many times I said no and how many reasons I gave, he would keep going until I agreed to come along with him and the boys. So every time I would head upstairs and glam myself up for a night out. His persistence gave me the impression that he was certainly keen for me to come out.
However, an odd thing happened EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I arrived at the venue that we were frequenting that night……Simon dropped all of the effort that he had made at my flat (in some cases 10 minutes previously) and virtually ignored me for the rest of the night!
On another occasion, when I no longer lived in the flat, he asked me if I wanted to meet up with him for a drink. It was arranged for a Wednesday. The weekend before he confirmed that we were definitely meeting up on the Wednesday. On the actual day of the meet up, I realised that we hadn’t arranged a time or a place to meet so I sent him a text asking when & where. His response was “oh sorry, I forgot that we were meeting up and I’ve now made arrangements that I can’t cancel”. Again, this was pretty odd considering he had confirmed plans only 4 days earlier.
This hot and cold pattern continued on and off for a while; where he would make a persistent effort one minute and the next would near on ignore me, often within a 10 minute period. At the time I found this hot and cold behaviour really confusing but now that I am older and wiser, his behaviour is crystal clear to me.
So what did I learn from this experience, which I am sure many women have faced?
1) The greatest lesson was that actions speak louder than words. Words such as “please come out” are really easy to utter and they don’t take a lot of effort. In return for uttering those words, I often responded which must have given him a bit of an ego boost. So what did he learn? Utter a few words (which wouldn’t take a lot of effort) and he would get an ego boost in return as he had managed to get me to do something that initially I wasn’t bothered about doing. He had set himself a challenge and won. This was probably another ego boost for him. He got a good deal there. But actions such as making an effort to continue to talk to me and give me time and attention etc. at said venue would take a bit more of an effort, which he wasn’t prepared to do. So I eventually learned that I should focus on what a man actually does as this takes effort and motivation, rather than what he says as this takes minimal effort. I now realise that if a man genuinely likes you he will put the effort in consistently.
2) I also learned that I wasn’t partial to feeling messed around/manipulated. I didn’t like the feeling of not knowing how he would be from one minute to the next, so I created a new rule for dealing with men. This rule was “only make an effort or take a man seriously if the man has made a consistent effort with me and he is making equal amounts or more effort than me”
3) I also learned that when someone is hot and cold with you, it means that they are not fully into you as if they were they would make a consistent effort. EVERY MAN KNOWS if he blows hot and cold with a woman some women will dump him as they don’t want to be messed around. If they really like her, they don’t want to risk losing her, as she may be one of those women who will dump him. However, if he’s not that bothered about a woman then he won’t be that bothered if she dumps him. I now realise that hot and cold relationships are not as confusing as many people think. Hot & cold = convenient indifference, which no woman (or man) should ever tolerate
4) As this went on for quite a while and coincided with a new found love of self reflecting and developing, I also learned that I must have some beliefs in my subconscious mind that was ok with this dynamic or I wouldn’t have responded and fallen for the same pattern repeatedly. This gave me the opportunity to look within to see what beliefs and needs I had that were leading me to continue to respond positively to his initial interest and not see it for what it really was. This self analysis enabled me to prevent myself from being messed around by other men in the future as I became clearer on how I want to be treated by men and how I didn’t want to be treated. I knew 100% that I didn’t want to feel confused and disappointed again. This in turn encouraged me to realise that I am in control of all of my decisions and I am the one who decides who and what I respond to.
Even though the situation was confusing and disappointing at the time, the lessons I learned were invaluable. Since that time, there have been a number of men that have tried to behave in the same way towards me i.e. interested when they want excitement or an ego boost but then indifferent. I have learned over the years that I can’t control how men behave towards me but I can 100% control how I respond.
You will be pleased to know that since the lessons that I learned from Simon, I haven’t engaged in any hot/cold games that partially interested men want to play. The minute I realised that they are just partially interested, at their convenience, I spent less time/no time with them. I withdrew myself mentally from the situation. This has enabled me to avoid feeling confused and disappointed ever since.
Have you had similar experiences? Share your experiences in the comments box