What is a commitment phobe and what is their issue?
A commitmentphobe is an individual who has a fear/phobia of commitment, like a fear of spiders, heights and the dark. A phobia is an irrational fear i.e. it is illogical and other people can’t understand it and probably never will.
What does this mean for you?
If you are associated with a commitmentphobe, you will never understand their irrational thoughts but you will drive yourself mad trying to understand them or trying to convince them that a commitment to you shouldn’t be feared.
A commitmentphobes thought processes are very different to yours (and everyone else’s), so never allow your self-esteem to be damaged by what they do or say – they are acting from a place of fear.
They don’t want to commit to anything or anyone and will do anything, including hurting those around them, to avoid feeling uncomfortable. They often come across as selfish as a result – They are people will issues & people with issues will often hurt you as they have difficulty considering others as they are so focused on reducing their own psychological discomfort.
Their behaviour is not caused by you and cannot be changed by you. They have the problem that only they can rectify (through therapy)
But how do you know you are dealing with one? Here are a few classic signs:
1) They have a history of non-commitment in relationships
You are not their first victim and you won’t be their last. This is because the issue is inside of them and is not caused by you or any of their previous partners. Always enquire about a potential partner’s past relationships. If they have let people down in the past, had short relationships, been consistently unfaithful etc. they are likely to continue this behaviour. This is because the problem is the way they view relationships and their thought processes and not the situation or the person that they are with, even though they will try to blame outside factors.
2) They constantly send confusing mixed signals.
One minute they are very interested in you and the next they are rejecting you. They will blow hot and cold constantly, so that you never know where you are. This is because they can’t commit to having a relationship with you and they can’t commit to walking away from you either as they do benefit from being with you. A commitmentphobe is highly unlikely to end the relationship because they can’t commit to that decision. However, this means that you will constantly feel led on and rejected.
3) They rationalise their behaviour in irrational ways
This is for two reasons:
a) They have irrational thoughts, as they have a phobia, so their justifications will be irrational. They will try to convince you that they are right. Remember that you are not the one who is irrational, but they will try to make you think that you are, so that they can still feel comfortable in their own skin
b) They feel bad because they know that they are not treating you well & are disappointing you. When people feel bad they will do anything to reduce the guilt that they feel and this will lead them to produce crazy rationalisations to justify their behaviour so that they feel better about themselves.
If you accept their rationalisations then this makes both of you feel better and this is why it continues. You benefit as you avoid facing the truth which is that this relationship isn’t working and you need to let go of it and they reduce the guilt that they feel……until the next time.
We can use arachnophobes to illustrate the problem
When someone is scared of spiders, will the spider ever be able to change them?
In this situation, you are the spider. You (or what you represent i.e. commitment) are the object of their fear
Therefore you cannot change a commitmentphobe as a spider can’t change an arachnophobe
The only way a commitmentphobe can change is to have a course of therapy and they can only do this if they want to change (which most don’t as their current behaviour works for them)
You cannot do this for them
There is only one guarantee with a commitmentphobe and that is that you are guaranteed to experience pain – Is this want you want? The answer should be no! You deserve much better than this. You deserve a psychologically healthy relationship, which you will never get with a commitmentphobe
I know that this is a painful statement but it is better to free yourself of consistent pain and rebuild your life so that you can find someone who makes you happy, consistently
What are your thoughts on this?
Until next time……..
P.s. Are you addicted to a commitment phobe? Do you want to break free from this relationship? Book a session with me and I can help you to break free!