A Ghoster is someone who ends a relationship suddenly, without explanation, or any further communication.
Before I start, I want to state what I think ghosting is and is not.
For me……if someone is just messaging online and then stops or if two people go on a couple of dates and one stops communicating, then this isn’t ghosting. It’s just the way that it is.
However, if two people have been out on at least three dates (so time to start bonding) and one of them has decided that they don’t want to go on another date and just stops communicating, then I would classify this as ghosting.
Now I’ve done that, let’s move on……
Ghosters ghost because they either:
1) Didn’t believe that they were in a relationship and therefore didn’t owe the other person an explanation.
2) Think that avoiding a difficult conversation is better (for them) than doing the decent thing and having a conversation about ending it.
3) Think that this method will help the other person to move on
When people are ghosted, one thing that can upset them is not knowing what the Ghoster is thinking.
Here are some of the thoughts that run through a Ghoster’s mind, when they ghost
*Please note that women can be Ghosters too
“I only went on a few dates with her. We weren’t in a relationship, right?”
“I don’t think that she was that interested, so she won’t be bothered”
“I can’t cope with seeing her cry, so I’ll just avoid it. I’ll feel way too guilty”
“She’s a strong and proud woman. I think she’d prefer it this way”
“If I just stop calling her, hopefully she will get the message and go away”
“I know I’m behaving badly and I should do the decent thing, but I just can’t bring myself to speak to her. I know that it’s cowardly, but just vanishing is far easier than seeing her upset or angry. She may be upset or angry and at least this way I avoid being on the receiving end of it”
“Doing the “right thing” is going to cause me problems. So, I’ll do what’s easiest. She’ll get over it”
“I can’t cope with the barrage of abuse I’m going to get. It’s going to be way too uncomfortable. I can avoid that”
“She’s too good for me and I’m gutted by that. I don’t want to see her again as it’s painful realising that I’m not good enough for her”
“I’m not a nice bloke. She can do better. This will make her realise I’m not good enough for her”
“She can’t be that upset by it, as we weren’t in a relationship”
“I’m sure she was seeing other people, so I don’t owe her anything”
“If I ghost her, she will hate me, and it will help her to move on quicker”
If you have been ghosted, don’t waste your time getting irritated or upset about it. This will only upset you. It won’t upset the Ghoster.
If you’ve been ghosted, just remember these two things:
1) You don’t need explanations from a Ghoster. You don’t need closure. You are the only one telling yourself that. You may never know why they walked away. Don’t frustrate/upset yourself over the opinion of one person (who can’t behave like an adult). It’s not a reflection of what other people will think in the future. You have all of the information that you need and that is that this relationship has ended.
2) If someone ghosts you, then it says more about their maturity, communication skills and their integrity, than it does about you. Be glad that you are free to meet someone who is able to behave in an adult fashion.
If you have been ghosted and you would like additional help to move on, book a brain pick session with me. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Until next time