Just in case you missed it here is my previous blog, The Most Disappointing Dating Situation
What happened here and why did it happen?
Let’s be clear here, Jack didn’t behave well. He enjoyed what Sophie offered him for a while, at his convenience and then moved on. He knew that he wasn’t really interested in her but continued seeing her to get what he could from her. He essentially took advantage of the fact that she liked him and thought that there was a future with him. This isn’t a nice way to behave towards someone. He didn’t even tell her that he wanted to end the relationship. He simply ignored her, so that she would get the message that he wasn’t interested.
Let’s look at the end result for both of them
He might feel a bit guilty, but he hasn’t been hurt by the situation. On the other hand however, Sophie has been. She has ended up feeling used and that something is wrong with her. This situation has ended badly for Sophie, which seems unfair considering that she made most of the effort.
Why did this happen? (So that you can avoid it)
The bad news is that it is Sophie’s own dating psychology and choices that have ended up causing her pain. However, the good news is that once Sophie is aware of how her beliefs and choices have led to this situation, she will feel more in control of her dating life in the future and is highly unlikely to ever experience this again. She can date men again, with confidence as she will realise how in control she is.
So, what did Sophie do that contributed to her pain?
I am not trying to “blame” Sophie here, as she didn’t behave badly at all. I am just trying to explain how her choices contributed to her pain, so that she (and you) can avoid doing the same things again and getting hurt in the future.
Sophie’s Painful Choices:
- Sophie pursued Jack in the first pace and didn’t give him the opportunity to pursue her and demonstrate that he was genuinely interested. He passively accepted her offer, which was tempting, as he knew that it was likely that he would have sex with her, without even trying. She offered herself on a plate and he took it. Was it nice? No, but do some men do this when a woman makes all of the effort and offers herself on a plate? Unfortunately, yes.
- She jumped to a positive conclusion about him too early and labelled him as “an amazing guy” after the first date. Once someone gives someone else a positive label their mind focuses on positive information about them and ignores the negative. Red flags are usually ignored at this point.
- She didn’t consider an offer from another man, who may have been more suitable for her, if she had given him the chance. However, she didn’t because she had already limited herself to Jack as she had told herself that he was the best option and she didn’t want to upset him, even though they weren’t in a relationship.
- She ignored her instincts and the red flags, which were telling her that he wasn’t making as much effort with her as she was. She continued to make choices based on her feelings only i.e. sexual chemistry and totally ignored her instincts (which are there to protect someone).
- She had sex with him too early as she believed what others had told her and that was that you should have sex with a man after three dates. She believed the “three date sex rule” myth. The only man a woman will lose if she doesn’t have sex with him after three dates is a man who only wanted to use her for sex anyway. This is not a loss, it is a gain as she has avoided being used.
- She didn’t pay attention to his actions i.e. he wasn’t initiating communication with her. A man’s effort is a clear sign of his level of interest.
- She kept giving/making an effort with him, thinking that she would have a relationship in return
- She convinced herself that he would become more interested and make more of an effort in time and the relationship would get better
- When it was over SHE asked herself negative questions (such as “what’s wrong with me”), which lowered her self-esteem. She assumed that because Jack didn’t want her there must be something wrong with her; there isn’t, they just aren’t a match. She also failed to see Jack for what he was and that was a user. She incorrectly placed him on a pedestal, which he didn’t deserve.
- She decided that all men are timewasters based on just one man’s behaviour. She has incorrectly assumed that all men are the same
* It is important to remember that you can’t control the other person involved, when dating. Some men will behave well and some won’t. You can only control yourself and make sure that you make good dating decisions, so that you minimise the chances of getting hurt. This is why it is important to look at you own beliefs and behaviour, so that you can make sure that you make the right decisions for yourself. To increase your chances of not getting hurt when dating, take the time to look at your behaviour and work out the underlying beliefs that are leading to that behaviour, on a regular basis. If your behaviour is leading you to being hurt, change the underlying beliefs, so that you can change the behaviour.
Until next time