Toxic men (and women) are people who have psychological issues, that have been caused by their past experiences.
These issues often drive them to behave in ways that causes problems for themselves and other people.
People with issues often cause harm to others as they are desperate to feel better/comfortable, as having issues usually leads to psychological discomfort. People who have issues can sometimes lack integrity due to their insatiable need to feel comfortable. They need to feel better to such an extent that they sometimes lack the ability to consider the repercussions of their choices on others, so they can come across as manipulative and selfish.
What do I mean by issues?
Issues are experienced when someone has experiences in their childhood that causes them harm or distress. Some people in this situation then develop irrational thought processes which leads them to feeling uncomfortable in adulthood. This persistent psychological pain leads them to do anything to feel better and that can include hurting others.
It’s not their fault that they are in this situation but it’s not your fault either, so you don’t need to pay the price of your self esteem and sanity, for their pasts.
Here are some examples of people with issues and the experiences that cause the problem:
1) The control freak/abuser
These types of men often had controlling parents or were in situations where they didn’t feel in control and this made them feel uncomfortable. They often want to address the imbalance of power when they are older. They desperately try to avoid being controlled by others again. They will control the relationship by using strategies such as aggression, sulking or withdrawing from the relationship if their partner doesn’t do what they want.
2) The emotionally unavailable man
These types of men experienced something in their childhood which led them to draw the conclusion that “relationships = pain”. This is often caused by feeling hurt or abandoned. They fear experiencing this intense pain again, when they are adults and this affects their behaviour. This usually leads them to only want superficial relationships, on their terms, so that they can avoid any pain. They decide that they won’t get too close to people as they just can’t cope. They often push other people away, which can be painful and confusing to the other person.
3) The womaniser
This is often caused by one of two situations; either they saw a male role model behaving in this way and thought it was normal/positive behaviour or he didn’t feel good enough as a child and desperately wants to feel wanted as an adult.
In the second situation, a womanising man will say or do anything just to get a woman to like him, usually for one night as this is all he needs to feel good about himself/feel wanted, unlike his childhood. He will also be very motivated to avoid not feeling good enough again, so he will avoid being rejected at all costs. This is often why he has so many women on the go because if one drops out, he still has many more. He is also motivated to reject someone before they can reject him.
He is also likely to have relationships with women who he doesn’t rate/like that much, for a number of reasons:
a) He will feel superior to them and feel better about himself
b) He will feel confident that they won’t leave him, so he can avoid rejection
c) He will probably not make much effort with her as he is not that bothered and this often makes women work harder, so his ego is fed by her additional effort
You can see by the examples above that there are certain types of men that are not good relationship material, due to the way that they have responded to their earlier experiences.
The three types of men that I have described above are likely to behave in ways that will damage your self esteem and sanity, in the long run, and this is why you should not to date them.
* Please be aware that their behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you or your worth
* You are not the cause or the catalyst of his behaviour. A topic man will treat all women the same way because the problem is within him and he carries this problem around with him every day and into every new relationship
I hope that you haven’t experienced a toxic man, but if you have, hopefully he is in your past and you realise that you are now free of his poisonous influence and have managed to protect your your heart, self esteem and sanity.
However, if you are currently dating one, be aware that you cannot change him as only he can choose to heal and change if he wants to and while you are still around he has no reason to change because the behaviour that we reward usually continues.
As I said earlier, it’s not their fault that they are in this situation but it’s not your fault either,. You didn’t cause the problem so you shouldn’t be paying the price for their experiences.
Recognise that you are dating someone who potentially could damage your self esteem and sanity at some point and stop dating them. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you can change them. You can’t. Find someone who will treat you well consistently.
I hope that this blog helped. If you want any more dating tips, my Dating Toolkit may be of interest to you. Pop over to my Etsy store for more information.