This is probably the second most painful news to hear after a breakup, besides the “this isn‘t working out and I don’t want a relationship with you” conversation. It will probably hurt even more if the breakup was recent. When you hear the news you will feel a range of emotions and all of them are perfectly normal, irrespective of how long it was since you broke up, so don’t beat yourself up for having feelings.
Don’t allow other people to devalue what you are feeling and tell you that you are being silly as you two are now no longer together and you shouldn’t be reacting like this. People are emotional creatures but we are encouraged (especially in Britain) to conceal our emotions and label that as being “adult” about the situation. Whatever you feel is normal for you at that particular time. Your feelings are just giving you a message to make some changes.
If you react strongly to the news when you have split up after a good few years, it indicates that you haven’t truly moved on from your ex yet. This isn’t right or wrong – it is just the way it is at the moment. This painful news is a good opportunity to realise that you haven’t fully moved on and you can use this information to make an effort to take steps to do this. You may want to consider get psychological help from a professional to help you.
Don’t be surprised if you experience some of the following emotions/thoughts:
* Feel replaced
* Feel rejected again (if he ended it)
* Feel that hope has been taken from you as you were hoping to get back together
* Feel unattractive, as some women believe that if they were “more attractive” he would be with them and not the new girlfriend (this isn’t true by the way – he was attracted to you once and probably still is)
* Feel sad
* Feel shocked by the news
* Feel angry, if you feel that he has given you the impression that there was a chance that you were going to get back together
So what can you do to feel better after hearing this news?
1) Look after yourself, if you are feeling bad. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling like this – it’s normal for you at the moment and you may feel like this for a little while. However, the important thing here is that this reaction reveals that you still have feelings for your ex and you have some healing to do. To avoid feeling horrible again, healing should become your priority.
Decide today that you will do everything you can to feel good about yourself, raise your self-esteem and rebuild your life. You can start to do this by going out and doing things you enjoy with people you like spending time with. Start the “Me Project” and focus on yourself wholeheartedly.
2) You are placing your self-esteem in the hands of one individual. This is really dangerous for your mental health. You have decided that your worth is based on what someone else does or says or doesn’t do or doesn’t say. You cannot control other people’s behaviour so if you have this attitude you will never have any control over your self-esteem. You are a worthwhile, attractive human being, no matter what he or anyone else is doing or thinking. If one of your really lovely friends was rejected by a man, would you suddenly think less of her? Or do you think he is mad not to have recognised her worth? When you start thinking about what he is thinking tell yourself “his opinion doesn’t matter, I am the same, lovely human, whether he is in my life or not”
3) Because he is with someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are unattractive. He found you attractive at some point (and probably still does) otherwise he wouldn’t have had a relationship with you. To make yourself feel even better, think about all the men who have found you attractive during your life. Write your list down and put it on your wall or in a journal and look at it daily to feel better about yourself.
4) People often view previous relationships with rose tinted glasses this is because people that we can no longer have can become more attractive just because they are unobtainable right now. Try to change your perception and view the situation more realistically. Do you really want him or do you want him because he is with someone else? Take your rose tinted glasses off and list all of his negative traits (there must be at least a few) and then write down why he has lost out as a result of not being with you. Add to this list every day.
5) If your ex treated you badly, remind yourself that however he treated you, in time, he will treat her exactly the same way.
I hope this blog helps
Until next time
If you would like help with any dating, relationship or breakup problem, then book a session with me. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
* Please be aware that this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be perceived as professional advice. I cannot guarantee results or be held accountable for dating outcomes based on the content of these blog posts. You use this information at your own risk. If you need assistance with your individual situation, please consult a professional.