What Valuable Lessons I Learned From The First Hot & Cold Man I Encountered

Caution-SignMany years ago I lived in a flat with 3 men. The great thing about this situation for a single girl i.e. me, was that they had loads of male friends who would come round on a regular basis. Out of all of them there was one in particular that I quite liked. We’ll refer to him as Simon, even though this is not his real name


On many occasions, Simon would come round to meet my flatmates before they would go out. Simon would ask if I was coming too. On most occasions I would say no as I had other things that I wanted to do. However, every time I said no, Simon would keep asking me to come out with them. Irrespective of how many times I said no and would give a suitable reason, he would keep going until I agreed to come along with the boys. So every time I would head upstairs and glam myself up for a night out. His persistence gave me the impression that he was certainly keen for me to come out. However, an odd thing happened EVERY time I arrived at the venue that we were frequenting that night, Simon dropped all of the effort that he had made at my flat (in some cases 10 minutes previously) and virtually ignored me for the rest of the night!


On another occasion, when I no longer lived in the flat, he asked me if I wanted to meet up with him for a drink. It was arranged for a Tuesday. The weekend before i.e. a few days earlier, he confirmed that we were definitely meeting up on the Tuesday. On the actual day of the meet up, I realised that we hadn’t arranged a time or a place to meet so I sent him a text asking when & where. His response was “oh sorry, I forgot that we were meeting up and I’ve now made arrangements that I can’t cancel”. Again, this was pretty odd considering he had confirmed plans a few days earlier. Was his memory really that bad? Probably not considering that this was his pattern


This hot and cold pattern continued on and off for a while, where he would make a persistent effort one minute and the next would near on  ignore me, often within a 10 minute period. At the time I found this hot and cold behaviour really confusing but now that I am older and wiser, his behaviour is clearer to me.


So what did I learn from this experience, which I am sure many women have faced?


1) The greatest lesson was that actions speak louder than words.

Words such as “please come down the pub” are really easy to utter and they don’t take a lot of effort. In return for uttering those words, I often responded positively which probably gave him a bit of an ego boost. So what did he learn? Utter a few words (which wouldn’t take a lot of effort) and he would get an ego boost in return as he had managed to get me to do something that initially I wasn’t bothered about doing. He also possibly felt good as he had set himself a challenge and managed to win. This was probably another ego boost for him. He got a good deal there. But actions such as making an effort to continue to talk to me and give me time and attention etc. at said pub would take a bit more of an effort, which he wasn’t prepared to do. So I learned eventually that I should focus on what a man actually does as this takes effort and motivation, rather than what he says as this take minimal effort. I realised that if a man genuinely likes you he will out the effort in.


2) I learned that I wasn’t partial to feeling like a yoyo due to the hot & cold nature of the interaction and had to protect myself from the confusion that this behaviour caused

I didn’t like the feeling of not knowing how he would be from one minute to the next, so I created a new rule for my relationships with men. This rule was “only make an effort or take a man seriously if the man makes a consistent effort with me and he makes equal amounts or more effort than me”. This way someone who blew hot and cold wouldn’t receive my attention for very long as they didn’t meet my criteria for a relationship or friendship and would soon get bored and move onto the next person


3) I learned that when someone is hot and cold with you, it means that they are not fully into you

This is because if they were fully into you they would make a consistent effort. Every man knows if he blows hot and cold with a woman there is a chance that she will dump him as she doesn’t want to be messed around. If they really like her, they don’t want to risk losing her, as she may be one of these women. However, if he’s not that bothered about her then he won’t be that bothered if she dumps him. I now realise that hot and cold relationships are not as confusing as many people think as hot & cold = indifference, which no woman (or man) should ever tolerate


4) Some people just like the thrill of the chase and enjoy a challenge rather than the person that they are chasing

I don’t know for sure whether Simon just enjoyed the thrill of the chase/challenge or not but it’s certainly a possibility. Either way, it’s opened my eyes to the fact that there are definitely some people out there that just enjoy pursuing someone or just enjoy the challenge and are not particularly interested in the person associated with the challenge.


These are just my thoughts on a weird interaction I had with someone many years ago. Have you had similar experiences? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments box

I hope this blog has helped in some way

Emma :)

by Emma Staddon on April 11, 2017 · 0 comments

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